My Pathetic Display

I thought I would see John tonight.  I mean, I didn't really have a reason to think that I would, but I hoped.  And that was just stupid.  But you know what was even stupider?  I got dressed up for him.  Sort of.  I was still working work clothes, but I did my hair and make-up much nicer than what I would normally do for working in a factory.  It was so pathetic.  What was I thinking?  That he would see me all dolled up and say, "My God!  You're so beautiful!  I must have you now!"  Part of me would like that, of course.

It's so sad.  I can't believe what a spectacle I made of myself.  Who does this?  I kept looking for him when I got there and my heart would skip a beat when I saw someone who kind of looked like him.  I guess I'm in high school again.

I was talking to another lady that I always see there and she told me that her husband was laid off this week.  No notice.  No warning.  Comes in that morning and is gone less than two hours later.  She works, but doesn't make a lot of money and they have some debt so things are already tight. While we work, she's pouring out her heart about how hard things are and do you know what I'm thinking, "Where is John?!?"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I'm an awful person.

On a Totally Different Note

I go to a really nice gym.  I love it.  I used to belong to a cheap-o gym and I hated it.  Planet Fitness, I'm looking at you.  Sure it's only 10 bucks a month, but you're seriously only getting your money's worth.  It always felt gross.  And muggy.  So I eventually switched to a much nicer gym.  It's one of those gyms that a lot of young professionals go to so it's crazy busy before work, lunch time and in the early evenings.  But I always go mid-morning and it's pretty quiet.  And I love that.  Some older folks and then a few other ladies with a random guy every once in a while.  The locker room is generally empty, which means I don't have to hide in a corner while I change or avert my eyes when someone decides they're going to strip down in front of me.

So let's talk about what happened in the locker room last week.  I'm sitting on a bench when a 65 year old lady comes over and immediately starts stripping out of her work clothes into her gym stuff.  And all of a sudden I have her butt right next to my face ... and she's rocking a black lace thong.  But it gets better - she's got a tattoo.  What was at one point a very lovely black flower is now a bit misshapen and faded ... and it's 6 inches from my face.  Seriously? To be fair, she's in pretty good shape, so maybe she feels like she wants to rock it since she's still got it (for her age).  So uncomfortable.  I thought I had lived through the worst in the locker room.  Until today.

The showers are located in the front and are fairly private.  Three walls are floor to ceiling tile and the door is a frosted glass that goes to the floor.  I mean, you can still see a lot, but it's a bit fuzzy and gives the illusion of privacy.  Plus they are kind of tucked around a corner so they aren't all out in the open.  And at the time of day when I go there is usually no one else ever showering at the same time.  So it never bothers me.  

But today I'm showering and doing my thing and enjoying the fact that I'm having a nice warm, uninterrupted shower (a feat for any mom of young children), when I turn to face the door and see someone standing right outside the door!! As soon as I turn around she (I'm pretty sure it was a she from the build, but it's hard to tell from the fuzziness and the fact that I had a towel over the door blocking some of it) walks away.  I about had a heart attack.  Are you kidding me?!  What's up with that? 

So after the initial shock, I started to get mad.  I wanted to hurry and finish and hope they were still in the locker room so I could tell them what a crazy lunatic they were.  Or, give them a vicious evil eye as I have an inability to confront strangers.  But still.  I wanted her to know that I knew she were watching me and it was NOT ok.  But of course by the time I got out there she was gone.  Jerk. 

I'm a little creeped out.  I'm not sure what to do.  I tell you what though - if it happens again I'm going to open up that shower door and whack her in the face.  Or scream.  

And He's Gone Again

My husband that is.  He travels for business most weeks.  Out on Sunday night or Monday morning and back on Friday.

Now some of you who assume yourselves to be clever will say, "Oh - well there's the reason why you're so unhappy in your marriage!"  But no, my husband's travels are not the source.  He's only recently started traveling and our relationship has been weird for a long time.  But it does bring the pathetic state of our marriage to light.  I mean - if I'm fine with having a 10 minute conversation with him once a day then that should seriously make me sad.  But it doesn't.  I get annoyed that I basically single parent and I don't like doing things like taking out the trash and having to fix the sink when it breaks, but for the most part I'm ok with how things are.

So tonight my husband left.  I was quite relieved to see him go.  All weekend I just felt guiltier and guiltier.  I'd see him playing with the girls or doing laundry and I'd feel horrible about all the thoughts that have been running through my head.  How can I be so mean and awful to someone who is so good?

Seriously ... he's just so good.  He's involved with the girls' lives almost as much as I am.  He cooks and cleans and takes care of the girls when he's around.  He's kind to everyone.  He's smart and sweet and thoughtful.  He tries to make sure that I have time to myself every week and also tries to take me out to have some one-on-one time.

And I'm ready to pitch him over the edge for some guy I just met.  Well ... not really.

Not yet.

I Must Be Crazy

I woke up this morning and realized that I'm being crazy.  I don't even know this guy.  And I have no idea why he was assigned community service.  Oh God ... it could be anything.  I mean, it's not like you can just ask someone.  That'd be super rude.  I mean, sometimes it comes out as we talk and get to know each other, but you never just point-blank ask.  It could be for assault or a DUI or concealing a weapon or stealing or ... I don't know.

The point is that I don't really know this guy at all and yet I can't seem to stop thinking about him.  But, when I think about it I'm pretty confident that he's not a terrible criminal.   Not that I've met too many of those, but I just can't picture John doing something too terribly wrong.  Not with eyes so kind.  And he is so ... refined?  That's not the word really.  But he was a gentleman.  He is thoughtful and intelligent.  But at the same time has a wicked sense of humor.

Ugh.  I'm a terrible person.

The Slippery Slope I Slid Down

I have noticed a change in myself in the last year.  I've become dissatisfied with my life.  I have a loving husband, two wonderful and beautiful children, a lovely home, sweet family and great friends.  And yet, I'm bored.

For example, my daughters' ballet classes.  While they dance away, I sit in the lobby with all the other moms.  In the past, I would occasionally chat with them but now I'm find myself so annoyed with them that I wonder if my face betrays my disgust.  Now when they talk about their little parties to sell kitchen stuff, or make-up, or bags, or whatever I just want to shake them and say, "Is this really the best you can offer the world??"  And then there are the endless school functions and tailgates that are discussed in exhausting detail.  And don't even get me started on their clothes.  It's dance class.  Neither you nor your daughter are auditioning for a walk-on acting role.  Stop it with the hair!  It's so annoying.  

Even with my friends I am annoyed with how much they talk about educating their kids.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for enriching the lives of my children, but not every second of every day.  They don't need that and I would become a terrible person if I tried.  And I honestly believe that pinterest and facebook are poisoning their brains.  Suddenly they feel as if everyone is cooking gourmet meals and have fantastically decorated homes and they better jump on that bandwagon too.  I refuse to get caught up in that mess.  I have no intention of joining the new breed of competitive mothers/homemakers.  

I'm just bored.  And a bored housewife is a dangerous thing.  As I have become aware.  Because now I'm entertaining ideas of what life could be like if things were different.  

And I'm starting to realize how easily things could change.  

How Could This Be Me?

I never thought of myself as one to cheat.  At least not before all of this.  I'll admit that when I was younger I was a bit of a flirt.  I had a lot of "guy friends" who were really just poor suckers lost in the friend-zone before we knew it had a name.  But I didn't truly date all that much.  When it got down to it, I didn't really like the intimacy.  I enjoyed the chase so much more.  The flirting, the stolen glances, the things said with 10,000 interpretations, the carefully planned but seemingly innocent touches ... by the time I got down to the actual relationship I was bored.  Where was the excitement?

I had one serious boyfriend in college that I dated for a whole school year.  We were completely wrong for each other,  but for some reason we fell hard.  It was ridiculous and difficult, but I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.  I learned so much about myself and what I want from life.  But I also learned so much from him.  He exposed me to so many different things.  And I will always love him for that.

And then there's my husband.  We were friends for a long time and then it moved to something more.  We dated for a few weeks, got engaged, and 7 months later were married.  The bottom line about us - we're good friends.  And we've always had that.  But passionate love?  That faded away pretty quickly.  And what we've been left with is respect, mutual interests, and two great kids.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.  We work well together.  But I miss the passion.  I miss being so excited to see each other.  I miss feeling in love.

For years I've really avoided men.  I didn't want to be tempted.  And honestly I didn't know how to have a friendship with a man that didn't involve flirting.  And that's been fine with me.  I don't feel like I've missed anything.  Over time I've gotten to know the husbands of my friends and some friends of my husband, but anytime it's just me and a guy having to make conversation I turn into the world's most boring person.

But that wasn't the case with John.  For some reason when I was with him, I could actually talk.  I wanted to talk.  It was easy and wonderful.  And what about the hyper-awareness of him? When we would move and find ourselves inches away and seemingly every nerve in my body with tingling with excitement.

I can't stop thinking about him.  I wonder if the scenario presents itself if I would actually move forward in an affair.  I love my husband, and I'm not intentionally trying to hurt him, but I want more.  I want passionate love.  And excitement.  I would love to have those things with my husband, but right now I don't.

Maybe what bothers me right now is that I've discovered something about myself that I'm not comfortable with.  I'm aware that I am a person who might cheat.

I Met Someone Today

I met someone today.  He was funny and intriguing.  And he made me feel smart and interesting.  

We met doing community service.  I won't get into details, but a charge was laid against me that was false, but sometimes it's easier to just move on than fight.  I thought I would dread having to go and do those hours.  But now ... I can't wait for each time I can go back.  I look forward to seeing him again.  Even if it is while doing work I would normally loathe.  

John.  That's his name.  So ordinary.  One that I would normally hate.  And yet I don't dislike it on him.  Somehow it seems ironic.  As if the plainness of his name only serves to highlight how unique and brilliant he is.  

We met on a Saturday afternoon after I had already been there for hours.  We were sorting a huge bin of food.  And most of it was rotten.  Unfortunately, all of my "friends" I normally work with weren't there so I was with three guys that I wasn't thrilled to be working with.  And then along comes another guy who, to be honest, just made me want to laugh.  I mean, here we are in a warehouse sorting through rotten vegetables and he walks in all khaki pants, and plaid button down, and little cap like he's going somewhere.  It was ridiculous.  Normally I laugh at those people.  And privately, I did laugh at him.  

There was this young guy there, maybe 19 or 20, who was just one of those kids that after a few minutes of talking to him you just wanted to punch him in the face.  The work we're doing is disgusting and often the food is so rotten that they are just mush and fall apart in our hands.  Naturally, we are all wearing gloves.  Except that one kid.  I comment on this and he starts spouting off on how he's not a germ-aphobic and he can handle a bit of rottenness and blah blah blah.  Whatever.  I think he's an idiot.  So I call him on his bluff.  And I say, "Here - take this" and toss a potato at him.  And of course he pulls away.  But what I wasn't counting on was the potato then smashing and splattering all over John.  And that's when those deep brown eyes looked up at me and I saw them full of laughter.  

From there, it was just ... natural.  Easy.  Our conversations flowed.  Apparently we are both people that like to observe and mock those around us.  For the next few hours we laughed and talked and got to know each other.  In a short amount of time we had even developed "bits" based on those around us.  Looking at each other and dramatically saying, "Oh my God!  What is that?!?!" or repeating the phrases that the sorority sisters next to us kept uttering.  And believe me - they were no wordsmiths.  Occasionally the target of our mockery would be close so we'd have lean in and whisper to each other.  Doing so I would catch a trace of his smell - clean and manly but not showy.  

Now, I know that I'm not much of a catch.  I've gained a bit of weight in the last few years and as I was there to work I was not looking my finest.  And yet when he looked at me I felt like maybe I could be desirable.  But honestly, what was so appealing was that he talked to me.  He listened.  We didn't talk about anything of consequence, but he still listened.  And I found myself to be interesting!  It's been so long since I have talked with someone and laughed and had such a good time.  

Eventually we found ourselves alone.  It wasn't that we sequestered ourselves, it was more that the others left and we felt no need to follow.  We were content to be just as we were.  To talk.  To laugh.  To tease.  To look into each others' eyes and see a longing.  Oh the longing!  It wasn't lusting for each other's bodies.  It wasn't sexual.  It was a spark that made us want to get to know each other for who we are.  That spark that makes you talk for hours and wish for more time.  

In a blink it was time to go.  We were both hesitant to leave, but at the same time neither of us wanted to act on our feelings.  So we said our goodbyes and hoped to see each other soon.  And then walked away.  Now I can only hope and pray and wait for our next meeting. 

It was a wonderful afternoon.  There's only one problem - I'm married.