How Could This Be Me?

I never thought of myself as one to cheat.  At least not before all of this.  I'll admit that when I was younger I was a bit of a flirt.  I had a lot of "guy friends" who were really just poor suckers lost in the friend-zone before we knew it had a name.  But I didn't truly date all that much.  When it got down to it, I didn't really like the intimacy.  I enjoyed the chase so much more.  The flirting, the stolen glances, the things said with 10,000 interpretations, the carefully planned but seemingly innocent touches ... by the time I got down to the actual relationship I was bored.  Where was the excitement?

I had one serious boyfriend in college that I dated for a whole school year.  We were completely wrong for each other,  but for some reason we fell hard.  It was ridiculous and difficult, but I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.  I learned so much about myself and what I want from life.  But I also learned so much from him.  He exposed me to so many different things.  And I will always love him for that.

And then there's my husband.  We were friends for a long time and then it moved to something more.  We dated for a few weeks, got engaged, and 7 months later were married.  The bottom line about us - we're good friends.  And we've always had that.  But passionate love?  That faded away pretty quickly.  And what we've been left with is respect, mutual interests, and two great kids.  It's not bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.  We work well together.  But I miss the passion.  I miss being so excited to see each other.  I miss feeling in love.

For years I've really avoided men.  I didn't want to be tempted.  And honestly I didn't know how to have a friendship with a man that didn't involve flirting.  And that's been fine with me.  I don't feel like I've missed anything.  Over time I've gotten to know the husbands of my friends and some friends of my husband, but anytime it's just me and a guy having to make conversation I turn into the world's most boring person.

But that wasn't the case with John.  For some reason when I was with him, I could actually talk.  I wanted to talk.  It was easy and wonderful.  And what about the hyper-awareness of him? When we would move and find ourselves inches away and seemingly every nerve in my body with tingling with excitement.

I can't stop thinking about him.  I wonder if the scenario presents itself if I would actually move forward in an affair.  I love my husband, and I'm not intentionally trying to hurt him, but I want more.  I want passionate love.  And excitement.  I would love to have those things with my husband, but right now I don't.

Maybe what bothers me right now is that I've discovered something about myself that I'm not comfortable with.  I'm aware that I am a person who might cheat.